So I got dumped on Christmas. Not the story you really want to give people. haha. Especially when it is thru a text. But that's the story, simple and ugly as it is.

So i was super pissed needless to say. Went on a date with a great guy...and at that time realized something. For the first time in a while I'm happy with me. I don't want a guy right now!

I know it's wierd. I mean, I'm not saying I'm glad I got dumped. I'm not. I enjoyed spending time with that guy and was happy, and really wish it hadn't happened. But this is good right?

I mean I was picking up my room and making room for new thinking and stuff (because that's what you do) and i came across a journal that i wrote in 2005/2006. I honestly completely forgot about this journal. I wasn't even happy with myself back then. I was dating a jerk then...i even wrote that I was dating a jerk and that i knew i deserved better. and then a few months after that entry i wrote. "i used to know who i was but i don't know anymore. if you would have asked me a year ago a could have told you. a few months ago..i could have given you some idea...but now....." 

and finally i'm figuring it out. I love my girl friends. For the first time in a while I know they have my back. and I love that. I lost some girlfriends this year, and it was hard...and it hurt....but the girls i came to know....make that seem trivial.

So that's where I'm at for the new year. finally figuring out who i am. And who knows....after i figure out who i am...maybe it will make it easier for relationships to actually work :)

Ladies and Gentlemen:

In order to succeed in life learn these three things:

1.      Cheat.

I have learned from watching people, that cheating is the way to go. Whether that cheating is in the class room by allowing the “smart kid” to do the assignment, or cheating on a person who you are in a relationship with, that you will end up on top. The reason why: you apparently have no care what happens to people you step on, because you realize that those people are stepping stones and not of any importance in the future.

2.      Become a backstabber:

Don’t worry if someone is your closest friend. As in the cheater rule, this is about you. Don’t worry who you step on, the final outcome is about you. You will have what you want. They were just there for support  for you. They are there for you to find what you want. And once you find it F*ck them. They’ve served their purpose. Doesn’t matter what it is, becoming more popular, winning court, dating their ex…hell it’s your life.

3.      Don’t stand up for what’s right:

I’m not talking belief. Though I could get into that, but I won’t. I’m just talking about when you know what is being said about a person isn’t true, or the circumstance isn’t right, or someone is a complete douche, or you see someone cheating or backstabbing or anything like that (of course argument is they are behaving correctly) don’t say anything. Repeating back to 1 and 2. This is about you. Who cares about the person being stepped on, belittled? It’s not about you is it?  

   Bonus Tip: If someone who apparently has no care for a person and has acted with 1,2, and 3 tells you to “not hang out with person” go ahead. Obviously the one who’s done 1,2, and 3 has it more together. Why would you want a loyal, trustworthy, honest person. It’s easier to walk away from them, and let them wonder what else could possibly be wrong with them.

** remember you can always go back to the loyal person. Nice thing about them, they usually forgive, so just because you’ve been an ass, they’re normally understanding.

Yes I’m bitter. But I have a right to be. I’m the stepping stone. I’m the idiot loyal girlfriend. The friend that gets used and then dumped. The person no one seems to stand up for. The one walked away from. And the one they always come back too. Normally I’m nice and forgiving about it all. I say “it’s okay” or “I understand why they felt they needed to do this” or “maybe they needed time” or “it was a misunderstanding”. Hell I’ll justify just about anything a person does. But I don’t think I will anymore. I’m angry. I’ve never felt so angry and tormented inside. But I am. I hate it. But I think if I let this hate go I will allow myself to be walked on again.

I need to move. I can’t stand it here. People who say they love you, they care about you, you’re their bestest, haha…I can’t believe anything anymore.